When we fall short on something (not winning a match, or not getting that promotion e.g.), we feel unworthy. On repeated failures, we might start feeling we don’t deserve things. We lose our mind’s peace over those “failures”.

Success is supposed to improve our self worth, we believe. We are supposed to feel peace and a sense of deserving on achieving things. But that is just a belief.

Let us dig into why we believe what we believe (about worthiness).

One thing to realize is that kids in their early years tend not to lose their sense of self-worth or deserving because of some failures. In early years of their life, kids don’t say: “Oh well, I just don’t deserve to walk any more”, or “Oh well, I am not worthy of speaking because I keep making stupid mistakes”.

But for adults, failing to achieve a result brings the sense of worthlessness. I remember clearly when during my Ph. D., a scientific paper of mine got rejected, and upon hearing that news, I felt like a bad graduate student. I felt lacking some fundamental quality (smarts? hard-work?) in me that could have made the paper to accept. I felt not deserving after a while too.

The flip side of losing the sense of worthiness because of failures is the gaining the sense of worthiness because of successes.

I realize that in conference paper example that I would have felt worthy, or top of the world, or better than others if my paper had gotten accepted. I was deriving my sense of worth from acceptance of the above-said paper.

What is essentially happening here is betting of something very valuable (self-worth, peacefulness) on the result of something that is of much less value (a promotion, or acceptance of a conference paper). We are betting a long-term valuable thing (self-wroth) to achieve a short-term valuable thing (conference paper).

We do get a sense of self-worth if we achieve things (for a little bit), but we can lose it as easily too.

The huge insight for me was that I was losing the sense of self-worth because I was betting self-worth on acceptance of the paper. And if I don’t put the self-worth on the line, I won’t lose it.

We lose self-worth as a result of failure ONLY IF self-worth is on the line. Being on the line means we are looking to improve the self-worth if we win, or need to deal with the loss of self-worth if we lose.

Let us consider an example to clarify this point. Let us say we are playing poker. We put $50 in the pot and if we win, we win the money in the pot. If we lose, we lose the $50 that we had put on the line. But we don’t lose the shirt we are wearing. Also, we don’t lose the suitcase we traveled with. And we don’t lose the house we live in. You get the point. We lose what we put on the line, we lose what we can potentially gain.

If we don’t stand to gain self-worth by being successful, we would not lose it by failing at the same thing.

A simple way to have a high sense of self-worth and peacefulness is to not put these qualities on the line for the results of projects you are working on. But what is my motivation then? This is a good question that needs discussion, as we are so used to associating our self-worth with our success.

Find other motivations and rewards other than deep feelings of worthiness and peacefulness. Find small rewards for small actions!

Here are a few examples for alternate reward system.

• If my paper gets accepted, I will graduate faster. I will be able to get a job quicker. I might even treat myself with a nice dinner. But we can choose to not become more worthy as the result of a favorable outcome.
• I want to write articles. If I write articles, people potentially benefit from the insights that my articles might help unlock in readers. The reward might be a thank you note from a reader. Or I will make a living as a writer. But does writing article make more more worthy? I choose not to accept worthiness as a prize for writing articles.
• If I don’t apply for immigration paper work, I won’t get the documents in time. That might necessitate me leaving the country. If I do, I get the right to stay in this country as a reward. Does it make me worthy or unworthy? No.
• If I don’t follow through on reading a few pages of a book each day, that makes me less knowledgeable (than I would become if I did). But unworthy? No. I just did not read a book.

So, you see that it is easy to associate your feeling of worthiness and peacefulness as a reward for many day-to-day things we do, but alternate rewards are very plausible, and even desirable.

If you don’t feel you must change, but only want to change, you can relax into your being, and then really feel the desire to change. A desire that comes from the inner depth of your being. The change happens effortlessly. The change happens without fear. The change happens with love.

Don’t be desperate for change. Don’t feel such a neediness for change that not making it will make you worthless. Such desperateness and neediness cause unnecessary stress and even become a hurdle in the path of a long-term change.

Change because it will lead to a better life. A more meaningful life. A life with great stories. Not because it will make you a worthy person. Or better than others. Or you will become more peaceful. Those are too valuable things to put on line for small projects (or even large projects).

I invite you to take 60 second right now, and find one result in your life that you associate your self-worth with. One thing you want to do, or usually do, that if you don’t do will lead you to think less of yourself.Okay, done that? If not, please find that one thing.And then find an alternate reward for that action item, that project.

Then write the reward in a place you notice regularly, and remind yourself that achieving your goal does not make you worthy, and not achieving does not take your worth away from it. You are complete, you are worthy, you are peaceful, with or without it.

From this powerful place of being, do the action item you are planning to do! You will not regret this shift in mindset! 

All the best. I invite you to share your shift, or any challenge you are facing.