If I accept myself as I am, that means I don’t want to change.

Or, if I am not content with myself, then I am not self-accepting. These are some of the logical conclusions I hear often.

This is a fallacy that I have come across for a long time. Does not acceptance of self by definition means we like ourselves the way we are, which means we have no desire to change? Doesn’t self-acceptance kill any desire to improve or change yourself? The answer to this question was a confused “yes” to me for a long time, but now it is a resounding “no”.

Let us try to understand this.

Self-acceptance means I accept myself. The. Way. I. Am. No strings attached to it. If I am an alcoholic, self-acceptance means I realize I am an alcoholic, not someone who just drinks socially. If I am late riser, self-acceptance means I know I wake up late, and don’t feel a need to hide this from a group who is talking about the benefits of rising early. (Actually, the second part of bringing it in a group requires the quality of confidence in addition to self-acceptance.) If I am unemployed, self-acceptance means I acknowledge my employment status and accept that I am not earning any money through employment.

Self-acceptance is about honesty to myself. It does not have anything to do with being happy or not happy with it. Being happy or not happy, that is about being content, or wanting to change.

Being content with something (or not wanting to change) is a quality where we are content in our psyche or mind about that thing. We don’t feel a need to make a change as it does not bring anything of value to us. Being content comes in the territory of being happy with the status quo. Being content with my food habits means I am happy with the way I eat. Being content with the state of the world means we are happy with the way world is right now.

Being content is about being happy with the situation and not feeling a need to do anything change it.

Are self-acceptance and being-content the same thing? Is it possible to accept yourself and have a desire to change too at the same time?

I say not only it is possible to accept yourself and have a desire to change; it is essential to accept oneself if one wants to change. Acceptance is a prerequisite for change, not an impediment to it.

Here is an analogy that might help. When one wants to change, they want to be at a point (say ) different from they are now (say point ). Change is about going from point to point (). For this change to be effective, one need to know what is (acceptance) and what is (what change you want to make). (And then there is the whole path from to , but is the subject of another post.)

In driving analogy, if you want to drive to Phonix (point ) and ask the GPS for directions, it is extremely important for GPS to know where you are (point ), otherwise, its directions to go to Phoenix are not going to be effective.

If the case of the alcoholic person above, the person needs to realize they are alcoholic before an effective path to sobriety can be found. Accepting alcoholism is half the journey to becoming sober, I have heard somewhere.

So, don’t think of self-acceptance and desire-to-change as incompatible. They work so well in tandem. Any path to change is more effective once you accept your current situation. And once you truly accept yourself in the present moment, you are not afraid of changes; you get authentic motivation to change and improve your life.